Everything is not copacetic

At the tail end of 2021, my grandma passed after being hospitalized for the majority of the year. On my mom’s birthday we visited her, and she was coherent aware and there. She had surgery scheduled for the next day. I never heard her voice again, and the only silver lining is that the last thing I heard come from her mouth was, “I love you.”


She was taken off life support December 1, 2021, at 6:44 p.m., and I held her hand the entire time until the heartbeat monitor hit zero.


Afterward, I had to take in George, her dog that I got for her when I was in high school. I loved having him around because it was one of the few things that I had of her. During this summer, I stayed at my ex-partner’s house a lot, and George stayed with my parents.


George started to get sick, lose weight, and be less active. I didn’t know until I went home to grab a change of clothes. My parents never told me anything even though they noticed. I had to put him to sleep the same day, he just went downhill so fast.


I’d like to think George was holding out to see me before he went. I keep his collar around my rearview mirror and think
of him every day. He was a goofy dog everyone loved, and he was sweet, always wanting to sit by you.


The next tragedy happened about a month ago. My partner of three years decided enough was enough. The year had been hard on the both of us and fights were happening around every corner. So, they made a choice, and it left me more alone than I’ve ever been in the past few years.


If you’ve ever taken all your stuff out of a place you called home, if you’ve ever looked into the eyes of every pet you lived with and loved and say goodbye, if you’ve walked out the door with the knowledge you’ll probably never be back there again, the memories you made, everything, it will probably be the most depressing and pathetic feeling thing you can ever do.


I know I sure felt that way.


After all that, it still wasn’t over—my hours at work got cut to standstill, I learned from my dad he might be leaving, and I needed to take care of my mother. I went from having hope for a future, a loving and caring environment with a person and animals I loved, a plan, a life, to absolutely nothing.


I had to survive the death of the life I knew and find a way to go on. The truth is though, I couldn’t handle it, and I couldn’t keep up. I needed help.


I don’t have any close friends anymore; my social circle fell apart throughout the years. My family was just my parents after my grandma passed, and no one talked to each other. I reached out, but I didn’t find much success in getting support.


Everyone had their own things going on or didn’t want to deal with my issues; I get it, it’s uncomfortable and not easy to talk about.


So, I did something I’ve never done before. I reached out to a therapist and talked to a couple authority figures in the school I asked for help and now I’m getting it. I’m still looking for friends to support me through this, so if you’re reading this, find me if you’d like. I’d also like to let you know that I’ll be there for you too if you’re going through a rough time.


The truth is when things are bad, and your mental health takes a downturn, we need to reach out. We cannot go through this life alone without help. We are not made to be alone. It’s okay to reach out and ask for help.


You might not always find the right people the first time around, but you will eventually. Things are bad, it takes time to work through the trauma and pain and the loss, but I am working through it.


I miss everything I’ve lost, but I know it won’t be like this forever. I just wish I could skip to the end of right now to the part where I’m coming up again.


Thank you for reading this, and I hope we can be friends. And if you need help, trust me, there are people on this campus who are eager to help you.